Poetry Critique

Wheels

Jim Daniels

My brother kept
in a frame on the wall
pictures of every motorcycle, car, truck:
in his rusted out Impala convertible
wearing his cap and gownwavingin his yellow Barracuda
with a girl leaning into him
waving
on his Honda 350
waving
on his Honda 750 with the boys
holding a beer
waving
in his first rigwearing a baseball hat backwards
waving
in his Mercury Montego
getting married
waving
in his black LTD
trying to sell real estate
waving
back to driving trucks
a shiny new rig
waving
on his Harley Sportster
with his wife on the back
waving
his son in a car seat
with his own steering wheel
my brother leaning over him
in an old Ford pickupand they are
waving
holding a wrench a rag
a hose a shammy
waving.
My brother helmetless
rides off on his Harley
waving
my brother's feet
rarely touch the ground-waving waving
face pressed to the wind
no camera to save him.
2. I picked this poem because it talked about cars, and I like cars.
3. The Title is wheels, this fits cause the poem is about cars and trucks and motorcycles.
4. it repeats the word Waving in between a lot of the lines, so you picture the guy waving a lot it also repeats how he is sitting in a different car or bike over time like on his honda 350 and on his honda 750
5. the poem isn't happy or sad its just calm and about remembering her brother

My Boat

I like to fish a lot, and on Saturday I bought my own fishing boat. I got a 93 15 foot Bass boat. Its blue and gold and sparkly. I got it sitting in my driveway right now. Its really fast too, we had it out on the Mississippi on the weekend. Its got a 100 horse motor on it, and I really like horses. This weekend I am going to take it up to my cabin where I am going to keep it. Its got all the good stuff you need in it, like two live wells, two fish finders, trolling motor, and all this other stuff too.

Titles

Three titles for my personal narrative are
Sneezer The Horse
Since I Became A Horse
and
How I Learned to Juggle

Music

I like to listen to music a lot. some bands i like are genghis tron, Animosity, the red chord, all that remains, avenged sevenfold, bullet for my valentine, protest the hero, the number twelve looks like you, mindless self indulgence, the human abstract, and a lot of other stuff. i like going to concerts a lot too. Maybe the best concert i've been to was when i saw All That Remains, but when i saw the red chord with cannibal corpse that was a good one too. And i like to fish.

Narrative Passage

Here is a passage from my Personal Narrative.

Before the creation of the Equestrian Artistry club, I was unsure, and thought that i was the only one who excessively drew horses excessively. Before the construction of the club my life was as lame as an unsound horse. Before the clubs formation the constant nervousness of guarding my drawings made it feel like a horse continuously cribbing on my brain. Prior to horse club being in my life I felt like a mere pony among stallions as I walked down the hallways, knowing that I was equipped with loads of horse drawings in my backpack. Then I realized that I had other schoolmates who shared the same passion for equestrian art.

I think this passage needs some work cause I am not sure if some losers will be able to understand all the horse terminology. And I think i need to finds words to replace before because i use that word a lot.

Discover

Things I like to write about

Drawing Horses
Music
Things I Dislike, like Scarves
Walkie Talkies
The Price is Right
Equestrian Artisty
Lawn Chairs
Skateboarding
Fishing
Picnics
Food, like pancakes and chocloate milk and stuff
half man half horses
Family
Friends
Family friends
Vacations
My Cabin
Movies
School
Puzzles
concerts
Trips to Wendys
Monkey Ball
Type Writers
Pandas in the Rain